night of the 12th of May

i feel... stressed and... really really depressed
everyday of my life is becoming more and more depressing. i hate how i feel always judged, always misunderstood... i hate the feelings of envy that i receive from people i feel even more envious of... i hate the feelings of being so damn helpless and having nothing to do but sit all day in front of this soulless laptop... having a fiance but only be able to see him once every few weeks because of his work, having a family that loves me as much as i love them but still manage to make me feel so upset and lonely at times when they r stressed themselves... having 2 best girlfriends yet not being able to tell them when i feel so bad and need them so much
its strange i have such mood swings right? i know i sounded better in the morning but... in reality, i feel so lonely, so sad, so stressed about everything in my life and it hurts all the more to have so many people in your life yet make u feel more alone as they don notice how they hurt ur feelings at times that u really needed everything but that
it hurts so much, my heart feels so suffocated... currently no one other than my best male friend that actually does hear me out and make me say it when i don know how to... even thou he is a sea apart from me and in a whole other world, even thou his new job had taken him away, he still hears me out whenever he can, and if not give me an advice at least tells me its gonna be ok. i don know what i would have done without him really. it makes me so angry that he sometimes knows me better than my own boyfriend of 7 years that is gonna be my husband in few months
thanks ryu, i really wouldn have survived all this without u... 

the morning of 12th of May

Good morning c: its currently a bit after 9 a.m, i haven't had good sleep and woke up so many times in the middle, but am gonna just deal with it anyway. this morning i need to choose 10 styles of each type of furniture (like bedroom furniture, living room... etc.) then in the afternoon my fiance is coming over and me , him, my cousin and my brother are gonna go through them to check what style me and my fiance are gonna choose and make for our home ^-^
sad thing is, i feel like am doin all this in vain coz we still haven't gotten an apartment of our own... the problem is my wedding is supposed to be in october... we didn book a wedding hall yet but still thats what we wanted coz october is the month we  started dating. well in any case, the prob here is we still need to sell an apartment in another city and buy one here, and it seems this is gonna take such a long while and there aren really nice apartments here that can be found easily
this is all making me feel so stressed. i had to leave my job that i loved so much bcoz of some problems with the management as they didn want to give me the payment we talked about at the beginning of it all, and also the working hours as it was an academy for self development courses were all p.m and well i always found it scary to go back home all alone when it was after 9 p.m. yeah, i know in so many other countries 9 p.m is ok for everyone to go out and come back and all but not in my country and not with our traditions, well its not necessarily a bad thing, but just that i have always been dependent on my parents, my brother and my fiance. never really liked the idea of goin out alone without someone takin me to and from where am going. specially that i have no car and i have to ride the bus and i really hate crowded places, so it never really works well with me, and am not a big fan of being in a taxi alone without someone with me. i never took a taxi alone since i became 18 coz problems happened here in the country then and it was very dangerous for girls most of all to be alone, so i never really managed to be ok with getting in a taxi ever again.
so, to the next topic :D well i was so bored yesterday night so i polished my nails red, which is like one colour out of two that are good on my nails =/ only pink and red with all their shades look good on my nails... i have got weird nails XD they r one thing i don like much in me, they look different from many other ppl and they r very rare and actually i didn get them from either mum or dad... i don even know where from i got them. but am not complaining god gave me many things that others cant even dream about, so just some nails that aren my fav. thing is nothing really ^-^ anyway i put these little cute stars on my ring fingers they r white and very small and cute

^ thats how it looks, well its not really a good pic but the sun is messing with my phone cam :D

oh! forgot to say am so happy about something *~* i finally managed to write again, as i had a major writer's block bcoz of the stress and pressure from my wedding preparations and how i had to leave work.. gonna post some stuff in my other blogs for stories by next week mostly, as it takes me some time to edit and make the chapters readable as i'm still busy with other things

i don know if some people know, but actually i haven't even told my friends yet, but i made a new blog for single chapter stories which are mostly gonna be intimate. these chapters are for those who love super lovey dovey short stories that aren't more than about 5 pages or so and they do have some contents that are for those who are above 18 only

this is not some hentai or inappropriate stories, but just loving couples that intimate times show more of their feelings for each other. in any case i hope whoever checks it likes it ^^

so my links again are:

http://a-bitter-sweet-love-nightrose.blogspot.com

http://sweetloveroni.blogspot.com

Have a good day or night everyone !!~

12th of May

It's now exactly 2 minutes after the start of the new day :))
it has been such a long time since i wrote here, but i wasn't at all in a good mood for the last couple of months, and my internet connection wasn't helping either =/
well in any case today has been a kind of nice day; i did my very first real cooking alone without any help, (well actually my cousin helped with one thing, but just coz i was so slow XD) ehem anyway >_> so like i said it was really the very first time in my life to do the whole process of cooking without screaming for help from my mum coz i almost burned down the apartment XDD (yeah it was that bad >_>) soooo well i made beftek (don know if many would know what that is but its a kind of fried meat) also pasta, potatoes and some lasagna oh also i made the salad *~* (yeah i know its not worth mentioning but believe it or not my salad has a very nice taste)
my aunt and her three daughters are staying over so they ofc ate from that food, well actually the food i made was almost finished b4 i even reached the table XD i was very worried about how the food will taste and all but they loved it and ate all of it thankfully (i didn get to eat that much thou coz they ate ma share too ;_; ) i was really very delighted with the thought of the enjoyment they felt as they ate my food ^-^
actually two of my on line friends were all makin fun of me and teasing me, saying am gonna poison ma family or destroy the world with my food XD so i really wanted to take some pics, but yeah as i just mentioned some words b4 i barely found food
i also spent some nice girly girly time with the eldest of my cousins who stayed. shes about 6 years younger than me, yet we r so close to each other, her two sisters are 16 and almost 10
they r my most precious cousins from mum's side. they r very cute, very sweet and very childish XD but i really love them so much
we discussed today what i should do for the pre-wedding night. as am an egyptian here we have smth called henna night, i think its in some other countries too but not all. well am gonna do an indian style celebration, gonna wear the sari and all and gonna practice special dancing for this :)
anywayyyyyy am so tired so am gonna sleep for now. night night bubye meee~

March 9th

I... just wish my life was a drama that has me as the first female lead  that will have her happy ending

13th of jan ~

3 p.m
i just finished watching an episode of the kdrama (what happens to my family) this was one of the most touching episodes that i have ever watched... i kept crying the whole hour. one of my characteristics is that i'm a very romantic person, maybe coz i'm a writer, but feelings for me are mostly dif from other ppl. a simple word of love can take me to the moon, and one tear in the eyes of someone in front of me takes me under the ground. love has never been the same for me like others too. when i love i cant help but give my everything and anything, even when i know i shouldn't. i'm the kind of woman that can be satisfied with the words i love you, but as long as i live, i will always starve for more. i cant live without love. i cant go on without feelings.
today, i spent the morning with my fiance. the sweet feeling of being loved, the protectiveness that comes from his arms that surrounded me, i have never felt safer . sometimes i keep wondering if i love him much, today i found my answer, even thou i always had the thought that i may have some feelings left for my ex, but i finally realized. my fiance is different for me. his voice  melts my heart, his warmth makes me safe, his words make me the happiest. he may not be my first love and he may not be my first boyfriend, but he is the first man and the last that i allowed into my heart completely without limitations or conditions, he's the first one that touched my hand and held me to his arms, he is the most precious human being on earth for me. when i'm with him he manages to hold my heart and mind in a cage of love for him only, no matter how much i try to deny it, i can never be with someone else, even imagining being someone else's woman terrifies me and disgusts me. i can never be with another man and i absolutely dont want to.

11th of jan~

today is my friend's birthday *-* i keep wondering what to get for her >.<
sooooo lets get back to my lovin fiance...
i started to notice how he looked at me, i have thought i looked funny or that something wrong was going on... few days later my friend was absent from the private tutoring and as our tutor knew her older brother, he noticed her missing from the 20-student group, so he asked me about her. word after a word, i didn't mean it but i made fun of her brother, and followed me was my fiance, we were all from the same neighbourhood and he knew her brother very well and mentioned a thing or two about his childish acts. the thing is i listened to that and i too kept on goin on and on about it too XD
ofc i felt guilty after that ended and i just couldn help but go to my friend b4 goin home and told her everything including what i sad and what he said... unlucky as i can be, her brother went into her room and listened to what i said. he didn talk to me or blame me or anything. i thought it was strange but i just felt thankful and went home. the next weekend, i was comin back from a private lesson for maths feeling so tired and all... i looked at the side windows in the building i live in and found mustafa (my fiance) looking anxious standing there as if waiting for someone. i was feeling so nervous, why did he have to stand so close to the apartment i live in. and ehhh just as i feared he was there waiting for me XD once he saw me, he was like... "hello, can i have a moment?" i was like "y..yes ??" *feeling so nervous* he told me that my friend's brother came to him and talked about what i told him we said ... *whyyyyy* <-- ma poor brain was havin a breakdown T_T i felt sooooooo ashamed ofc and i tried to justify it as that i was feeling guilty about talking behind their back so while i was talking to them about what i said i accidentally said what he told too. his eyes weren't clear about what he thought, was he angry, was he ok with it, i didn't really know. after seconds of silence he said ok and wished sweet dreams and left me standing alone. "that's it?!" i thought to myself. i don know if it made me feel relieved or disappointed, but like i said b4 i was already in love with someone else so i tried to just forget about it.
but well i couldn't just let it go, and again i ran to my friend sayin what happened to me because her brother couldn't not tell him. her brother didn't leave it alone as expected, and as he had a slight of a crush on me, he even exaggerated. he went to find mustafa again and that time his way wasn't pleasnt or that's what i have been told. he fought with him and said to not ever come near me again.
as if he would have just listened and obeyed... *sigh* the next day mustafa came to find me again. that time i didn't know what i should say, i was cursing in my head my tongue that couldn't hold it in -.- he was about to talk when i didn't even try to wait to hear it, and kept swearing i did nth i know nth and ran into my home. i looked like a strange person really... i looked so stupid too xD but well my heart was so unsettled and i couldn't even breathe. i knew i wasn't goin to be able to just stand in front of him and talk about what i did wrong.
for a whole week, i kept avoiding him, i didn't look at him at all during the sessions we attended together, and i tried my best to always be with someone, so that he wouldn't have a chance to talk to me alone.
as if it would have stopped him =/ i was walking with my friend one day and he stopped us, saying he really needed to talk. i didn't know what to do and only screamed that i don know what her brother did, but i'm not responsible and that i didn't ask anyone to take my side or talk for me. and again i ran inside the apartment... but this time, i was feeling so guilty.
the same night, i gathered all my courage, and started writing a letter. it said:
Dear Mustafa,
   I know i have been acting so weird, and that i did you wrong... but can you please forgive me. i regret talking behind your back, its really not like me, but because she is my best friend i thought i can talk to her when i needed to. i didn't know her brother would act like that
so please forgive me, and think of it as if your sister did you wrong and is now asking for your forgiveness
   your sister,
    Manar
i don know why but the word sister kept comin in the letter XD not even a friend, but a sister. but well, it's not like i wanted him to think of me as smth more than that after all.
the next day when we had the french session, i gathered up all the courage i had in me, and without thinking i just came to him gave him the letter, and went to sit beside my friends.
i watched him read my letter after the session ended, and  shocked that was how i felt as i saw how he ripped it to tiny pieces and threw it in the air.
i have never felt so angry b4, it was like... he didn't respect my sincerity, or how genuine my apologies were. for the rest of the year, i really ignored him as much as i also had started going out with my first boyfriend that was my unrequited love of 3 years, and i had enough problems with him to worry about anything or anyone else. until a day at the end of the 2nd term came. i went to my neighbour who was also the same age as me and i was going to him my notes for maths and was going to study with my friend and him, when suddenly mustafa came saying he too was here to study. at that time i was already on the verge of breaking up with my first boyfriend of what wasn't longer than 4 months. i couldn't handle myself, and we also were going out secretly, no one knew about us, not even my best friend, just my other friend that was in a way the one who brought me and him together. i was feeling so pressured already, i didn't know if i could handle it if mustafa would also make me angry. but after all we just studied and it all went well.
3 and a half months passed since then, we were already in our 3rd year of high school. a lot happened in those few months. my heart was shattered over and over again, and i too in a way broke some hearts as well. (i will talk about this in another day)
it was the 5th of october 2008, i was very stressed because of my physics lessons, and i spent the 3 hours in the arabic session  i was havin then thinkin about it. another friend that becme close to me, was with me then. she spent some days before that only talking about mustafa, and how nice he is. he gave her his notes, and from time to time she called him and they talked about their private lives. ofc i thought, she had a crush on him. it was like, she couldn't stop talking about him around me, and i couldn't think of any other reason why she would be like this. but on that day, she gave me a shock. she dropped an explosive in my head just 3 minutes before it was going to explode. all she needed to say to drive me to the edge was that she gave mustafa my number and that he was going to call me any second now. how in hell did it turn out like this, i had no idea. but a part of me felt happy as if i was waiting for this to happen. seconds and i found an unsaved number ringing on my phone. butterflies played in my stomach, without knowing what i should do... i just answered.
to be honest, i have noticed before that, but i was miserably trying to act as if i had nth in my heart for him. i was still with my first boyfriend one way or another, i didn't know what to do when my heart was pouncing inside me for another guy.
the conversation we had that time, was so stupid, and so short. he said my friend told him that i wanted to ask about some teacher's number (which was obviously a lie from them both just to make me talk to him) and well i just played along to cover the extreme embarrassment that i was feeling. i didn't know what to say or what to do, but after we ended the short call and i went back home i spent the rest of the night thinking of how sweet and manly his voice was like over the phone.

10th of jan~

first of all here's the song am listening to now~

today was such a beautiful day <3333
it has been such a long time since i really wanted to smile and laugh without having a worry in my heart...
i went to see my doctor, but unfortunately he wasn't there, so instead of just going home, my sweet beloved fiance took me out... it was one of the happiest days i have lived in a long while
i really needed to be happy for once these days, ever since i started work, i felt really stressed and pressured, so i'm really thankful for the few hours that made me smile
also after i got back home i spent the night talking with my precious on line friend <3 he is one of ma best friends even thou we have never met xD we wrote together and we listened to so many songs that were absolutely awesome ... made me wanna dance all night >.> and papa caught me dancing on ma bed *looked so embarrassing >.> *
so anyway what should i talk about this time o.o
i know... maybe i should talk about some events from the past maybe about my love life <3
my fiance isn't my first love, but most certainly he is my most precious, most important and most loved person in the whole world.
his father was my father's friend, one of the closest to him. they lived in a different neighbourhood until he became 2 years old (he is the youngest of 3 sons) they live in the building next to the one i live in. his father died when he was 3 years old, that's why i didn't know anything about him when i was a child... my parents were always worried about me, that's why i didn't go anywhere without them before i was 13 years old, they used to lock our apartment when they left me and my brother alone that or they left us at my grandparents' home. The first time i saw him i was 13 years old, i was standing in the supermarket thats connected to the building i live in with my best friend at the time. Me and my friend were buying some stuff when he suddenly came in With another one of our neighbours. Me and my friend used to be very similar and have the same thoughts at the same times. Both of us were lookin at something in the supermarket and at the same time as usual we talked the same thing. He looked at us and chuckled. My cheeks turned red and I felt so embarrassed. The first thing that came to my mind was that I didn see him before. at that time I was in love with someone else, he was also our neighbour. So I didn't really give it much thought and only thing I had in mind was the things I wanted to buy. To be honest I thought he was attractive and that he looked like he was a year ir two older than me. Later on, a year passed and I found out he is actually the same age as me... 3 months younger too xD I found out when I was visiting a new friend then that lives Iin the same building as he. When I saw him talking with her, I thought ehhh he sounds like a bad person. he seemed so angry at my friend and he was screamin at her. His voice was so loud and i felt scared, i didn't know how to handle being around boys then. i just left them alone and ran away xD
actually i didn't like him at all rather it was like i hated him. i looked at him from a far every time he was in the same place as me and i felt like i wanted to run away. but ofc. i had the worst luck (or the best ;) ) the next year we were second year in high school. in my country 2nd year and 3rd year of high school determine your future. so we take lots of private lessons, tutoring, cramming and all... and because of that, even though me and him were in different school the two of us were in the same group for english and french, so basically i had to see him 2 days a week and be in the same room as him for over 3 hours. I didn't really like it, especially after i started to notice he was actually starin at me every time we had a session.
lets continue tomorrow am so sleepy >.>