today is my friend's birthday *-* i keep wondering what to get for her >.<
sooooo lets get back to my lovin fiance...
i started to notice how he looked at me, i have thought i looked funny or that something wrong was going on... few days later my friend was absent from the private tutoring and as our tutor knew her older brother, he noticed her missing from the 20-student group, so he asked me about her. word after a word, i didn't mean it but i made fun of her brother, and followed me was my fiance, we were all from the same neighbourhood and he knew her brother very well and mentioned a thing or two about his childish acts. the thing is i listened to that and i too kept on goin on and on about it too XD
ofc i felt guilty after that ended and i just couldn help but go to my friend b4 goin home and told her everything including what i sad and what he said... unlucky as i can be, her brother went into her room and listened to what i said. he didn talk to me or blame me or anything. i thought it was strange but i just felt thankful and went home. the next weekend, i was comin back from a private lesson for maths feeling so tired and all... i looked at the side windows in the building i live in and found mustafa (my fiance) looking anxious standing there as if waiting for someone. i was feeling so nervous, why did he have to stand so close to the apartment i live in. and ehhh just as i feared he was there waiting for me XD once he saw me, he was like... "hello, can i have a moment?" i was like "y..yes ??" *feeling so nervous* he told me that my friend's brother came to him and talked about what i told him we said ... *whyyyyy* <-- ma poor brain was havin a breakdown T_T i felt sooooooo ashamed ofc and i tried to justify it as that i was feeling guilty about talking behind their back so while i was talking to them about what i said i accidentally said what he told too. his eyes weren't clear about what he thought, was he angry, was he ok with it, i didn't really know. after seconds of silence he said ok and wished sweet dreams and left me standing alone. "that's it?!" i thought to myself. i don know if it made me feel relieved or disappointed, but like i said b4 i was already in love with someone else so i tried to just forget about it.
but well i couldn't just let it go, and again i ran to my friend sayin what happened to me because her brother couldn't not tell him. her brother didn't leave it alone as expected, and as he had a slight of a crush on me, he even exaggerated. he went to find mustafa again and that time his way wasn't pleasnt or that's what i have been told. he fought with him and said to not ever come near me again.
as if he would have just listened and obeyed... *sigh* the next day mustafa came to find me again. that time i didn't know what i should say, i was cursing in my head my tongue that couldn't hold it in -.- he was about to talk when i didn't even try to wait to hear it, and kept swearing i did nth i know nth and ran into my home. i looked like a strange person really... i looked so stupid too xD but well my heart was so unsettled and i couldn't even breathe. i knew i wasn't goin to be able to just stand in front of him and talk about what i did wrong.
for a whole week, i kept avoiding him, i didn't look at him at all during the sessions we attended together, and i tried my best to always be with someone, so that he wouldn't have a chance to talk to me alone.
as if it would have stopped him =/ i was walking with my friend one day and he stopped us, saying he really needed to talk. i didn't know what to do and only screamed that i don know what her brother did, but i'm not responsible and that i didn't ask anyone to take my side or talk for me. and again i ran inside the apartment... but this time, i was feeling so guilty.
the same night, i gathered all my courage, and started writing a letter. it said:
Dear Mustafa,
I know i have been acting so weird, and that i did you wrong... but can you please forgive me. i regret talking behind your back, its really not like me, but because she is my best friend i thought i can talk to her when i needed to. i didn't know her brother would act like that
so please forgive me, and think of it as if your sister did you wrong and is now asking for your forgiveness
your sister,
Manar
i don know why but the word sister kept comin in the letter XD not even a friend, but a sister. but well, it's not like i wanted him to think of me as smth more than that after all.
the next day when we had the french session, i gathered up all the courage i had in me, and without thinking i just came to him gave him the letter, and went to sit beside my friends.
i watched him read my letter after the session ended, and shocked that was how i felt as i saw how he ripped it to tiny pieces and threw it in the air.
i have never felt so angry b4, it was like... he didn't respect my sincerity, or how genuine my apologies were. for the rest of the year, i really ignored him as much as i also had started going out with my first boyfriend that was my unrequited love of 3 years, and i had enough problems with him to worry about anything or anyone else. until a day at the end of the 2nd term came. i went to my neighbour who was also the same age as me and i was going to him my notes for maths and was going to study with my friend and him, when suddenly mustafa came saying he too was here to study. at that time i was already on the verge of breaking up with my first boyfriend of what wasn't longer than 4 months. i couldn't handle myself, and we also were going out secretly, no one knew about us, not even my best friend, just my other friend that was in a way the one who brought me and him together. i was feeling so pressured already, i didn't know if i could handle it if mustafa would also make me angry. but after all we just studied and it all went well.
3 and a half months passed since then, we were already in our 3rd year of high school. a lot happened in those few months. my heart was shattered over and over again, and i too in a way broke some hearts as well. (i will talk about this in another day)
it was the 5th of october 2008, i was very stressed because of my physics lessons, and i spent the 3 hours in the arabic session i was havin then thinkin about it. another friend that becme close to me, was with me then. she spent some days before that only talking about mustafa, and how nice he is. he gave her his notes, and from time to time she called him and they talked about their private lives. ofc i thought, she had a crush on him. it was like, she couldn't stop talking about him around me, and i couldn't think of any other reason why she would be like this. but on that day, she gave me a shock. she dropped an explosive in my head just 3 minutes before it was going to explode. all she needed to say to drive me to the edge was that she gave mustafa my number and that he was going to call me any second now. how in hell did it turn out like this, i had no idea. but a part of me felt happy as if i was waiting for this to happen. seconds and i found an unsaved number ringing on my phone. butterflies played in my stomach, without knowing what i should do... i just answered.
to be honest, i have noticed before that, but i was miserably trying to act as if i had nth in my heart for him. i was still with my first boyfriend one way or another, i didn't know what to do when my heart was pouncing inside me for another guy.
the conversation we had that time, was so stupid, and so short. he said my friend told him that i wanted to ask about some teacher's number (which was obviously a lie from them both just to make me talk to him) and well i just played along to cover the extreme embarrassment that i was feeling. i didn't know what to say or what to do, but after we ended the short call and i went back home i spent the rest of the night thinking of how sweet and manly his voice was like over the phone.
sooooo lets get back to my lovin fiance...
i started to notice how he looked at me, i have thought i looked funny or that something wrong was going on... few days later my friend was absent from the private tutoring and as our tutor knew her older brother, he noticed her missing from the 20-student group, so he asked me about her. word after a word, i didn't mean it but i made fun of her brother, and followed me was my fiance, we were all from the same neighbourhood and he knew her brother very well and mentioned a thing or two about his childish acts. the thing is i listened to that and i too kept on goin on and on about it too XD
ofc i felt guilty after that ended and i just couldn help but go to my friend b4 goin home and told her everything including what i sad and what he said... unlucky as i can be, her brother went into her room and listened to what i said. he didn talk to me or blame me or anything. i thought it was strange but i just felt thankful and went home. the next weekend, i was comin back from a private lesson for maths feeling so tired and all... i looked at the side windows in the building i live in and found mustafa (my fiance) looking anxious standing there as if waiting for someone. i was feeling so nervous, why did he have to stand so close to the apartment i live in. and ehhh just as i feared he was there waiting for me XD once he saw me, he was like... "hello, can i have a moment?" i was like "y..yes ??" *feeling so nervous* he told me that my friend's brother came to him and talked about what i told him we said ... *whyyyyy* <-- ma poor brain was havin a breakdown T_T i felt sooooooo ashamed ofc and i tried to justify it as that i was feeling guilty about talking behind their back so while i was talking to them about what i said i accidentally said what he told too. his eyes weren't clear about what he thought, was he angry, was he ok with it, i didn't really know. after seconds of silence he said ok and wished sweet dreams and left me standing alone. "that's it?!" i thought to myself. i don know if it made me feel relieved or disappointed, but like i said b4 i was already in love with someone else so i tried to just forget about it.
but well i couldn't just let it go, and again i ran to my friend sayin what happened to me because her brother couldn't not tell him. her brother didn't leave it alone as expected, and as he had a slight of a crush on me, he even exaggerated. he went to find mustafa again and that time his way wasn't pleasnt or that's what i have been told. he fought with him and said to not ever come near me again.
as if he would have just listened and obeyed... *sigh* the next day mustafa came to find me again. that time i didn't know what i should say, i was cursing in my head my tongue that couldn't hold it in -.- he was about to talk when i didn't even try to wait to hear it, and kept swearing i did nth i know nth and ran into my home. i looked like a strange person really... i looked so stupid too xD but well my heart was so unsettled and i couldn't even breathe. i knew i wasn't goin to be able to just stand in front of him and talk about what i did wrong.
for a whole week, i kept avoiding him, i didn't look at him at all during the sessions we attended together, and i tried my best to always be with someone, so that he wouldn't have a chance to talk to me alone.
as if it would have stopped him =/ i was walking with my friend one day and he stopped us, saying he really needed to talk. i didn't know what to do and only screamed that i don know what her brother did, but i'm not responsible and that i didn't ask anyone to take my side or talk for me. and again i ran inside the apartment... but this time, i was feeling so guilty.
the same night, i gathered all my courage, and started writing a letter. it said:
Dear Mustafa,
I know i have been acting so weird, and that i did you wrong... but can you please forgive me. i regret talking behind your back, its really not like me, but because she is my best friend i thought i can talk to her when i needed to. i didn't know her brother would act like that
so please forgive me, and think of it as if your sister did you wrong and is now asking for your forgiveness
your sister,
Manar
i don know why but the word sister kept comin in the letter XD not even a friend, but a sister. but well, it's not like i wanted him to think of me as smth more than that after all.
the next day when we had the french session, i gathered up all the courage i had in me, and without thinking i just came to him gave him the letter, and went to sit beside my friends.
i watched him read my letter after the session ended, and shocked that was how i felt as i saw how he ripped it to tiny pieces and threw it in the air.
i have never felt so angry b4, it was like... he didn't respect my sincerity, or how genuine my apologies were. for the rest of the year, i really ignored him as much as i also had started going out with my first boyfriend that was my unrequited love of 3 years, and i had enough problems with him to worry about anything or anyone else. until a day at the end of the 2nd term came. i went to my neighbour who was also the same age as me and i was going to him my notes for maths and was going to study with my friend and him, when suddenly mustafa came saying he too was here to study. at that time i was already on the verge of breaking up with my first boyfriend of what wasn't longer than 4 months. i couldn't handle myself, and we also were going out secretly, no one knew about us, not even my best friend, just my other friend that was in a way the one who brought me and him together. i was feeling so pressured already, i didn't know if i could handle it if mustafa would also make me angry. but after all we just studied and it all went well.
3 and a half months passed since then, we were already in our 3rd year of high school. a lot happened in those few months. my heart was shattered over and over again, and i too in a way broke some hearts as well. (i will talk about this in another day)
it was the 5th of october 2008, i was very stressed because of my physics lessons, and i spent the 3 hours in the arabic session i was havin then thinkin about it. another friend that becme close to me, was with me then. she spent some days before that only talking about mustafa, and how nice he is. he gave her his notes, and from time to time she called him and they talked about their private lives. ofc i thought, she had a crush on him. it was like, she couldn't stop talking about him around me, and i couldn't think of any other reason why she would be like this. but on that day, she gave me a shock. she dropped an explosive in my head just 3 minutes before it was going to explode. all she needed to say to drive me to the edge was that she gave mustafa my number and that he was going to call me any second now. how in hell did it turn out like this, i had no idea. but a part of me felt happy as if i was waiting for this to happen. seconds and i found an unsaved number ringing on my phone. butterflies played in my stomach, without knowing what i should do... i just answered.
to be honest, i have noticed before that, but i was miserably trying to act as if i had nth in my heart for him. i was still with my first boyfriend one way or another, i didn't know what to do when my heart was pouncing inside me for another guy.
the conversation we had that time, was so stupid, and so short. he said my friend told him that i wanted to ask about some teacher's number (which was obviously a lie from them both just to make me talk to him) and well i just played along to cover the extreme embarrassment that i was feeling. i didn't know what to say or what to do, but after we ended the short call and i went back home i spent the rest of the night thinking of how sweet and manly his voice was like over the phone.
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