night of the 12th of May

i feel... stressed and... really really depressed
everyday of my life is becoming more and more depressing. i hate how i feel always judged, always misunderstood... i hate the feelings of envy that i receive from people i feel even more envious of... i hate the feelings of being so damn helpless and having nothing to do but sit all day in front of this soulless laptop... having a fiance but only be able to see him once every few weeks because of his work, having a family that loves me as much as i love them but still manage to make me feel so upset and lonely at times when they r stressed themselves... having 2 best girlfriends yet not being able to tell them when i feel so bad and need them so much
its strange i have such mood swings right? i know i sounded better in the morning but... in reality, i feel so lonely, so sad, so stressed about everything in my life and it hurts all the more to have so many people in your life yet make u feel more alone as they don notice how they hurt ur feelings at times that u really needed everything but that
it hurts so much, my heart feels so suffocated... currently no one other than my best male friend that actually does hear me out and make me say it when i don know how to... even thou he is a sea apart from me and in a whole other world, even thou his new job had taken him away, he still hears me out whenever he can, and if not give me an advice at least tells me its gonna be ok. i don know what i would have done without him really. it makes me so angry that he sometimes knows me better than my own boyfriend of 7 years that is gonna be my husband in few months
thanks ryu, i really wouldn have survived all this without u... 

the morning of 12th of May

Good morning c: its currently a bit after 9 a.m, i haven't had good sleep and woke up so many times in the middle, but am gonna just deal with it anyway. this morning i need to choose 10 styles of each type of furniture (like bedroom furniture, living room... etc.) then in the afternoon my fiance is coming over and me , him, my cousin and my brother are gonna go through them to check what style me and my fiance are gonna choose and make for our home ^-^
sad thing is, i feel like am doin all this in vain coz we still haven't gotten an apartment of our own... the problem is my wedding is supposed to be in october... we didn book a wedding hall yet but still thats what we wanted coz october is the month we  started dating. well in any case, the prob here is we still need to sell an apartment in another city and buy one here, and it seems this is gonna take such a long while and there aren really nice apartments here that can be found easily
this is all making me feel so stressed. i had to leave my job that i loved so much bcoz of some problems with the management as they didn want to give me the payment we talked about at the beginning of it all, and also the working hours as it was an academy for self development courses were all p.m and well i always found it scary to go back home all alone when it was after 9 p.m. yeah, i know in so many other countries 9 p.m is ok for everyone to go out and come back and all but not in my country and not with our traditions, well its not necessarily a bad thing, but just that i have always been dependent on my parents, my brother and my fiance. never really liked the idea of goin out alone without someone takin me to and from where am going. specially that i have no car and i have to ride the bus and i really hate crowded places, so it never really works well with me, and am not a big fan of being in a taxi alone without someone with me. i never took a taxi alone since i became 18 coz problems happened here in the country then and it was very dangerous for girls most of all to be alone, so i never really managed to be ok with getting in a taxi ever again.
so, to the next topic :D well i was so bored yesterday night so i polished my nails red, which is like one colour out of two that are good on my nails =/ only pink and red with all their shades look good on my nails... i have got weird nails XD they r one thing i don like much in me, they look different from many other ppl and they r very rare and actually i didn get them from either mum or dad... i don even know where from i got them. but am not complaining god gave me many things that others cant even dream about, so just some nails that aren my fav. thing is nothing really ^-^ anyway i put these little cute stars on my ring fingers they r white and very small and cute

^ thats how it looks, well its not really a good pic but the sun is messing with my phone cam :D

oh! forgot to say am so happy about something *~* i finally managed to write again, as i had a major writer's block bcoz of the stress and pressure from my wedding preparations and how i had to leave work.. gonna post some stuff in my other blogs for stories by next week mostly, as it takes me some time to edit and make the chapters readable as i'm still busy with other things

i don know if some people know, but actually i haven't even told my friends yet, but i made a new blog for single chapter stories which are mostly gonna be intimate. these chapters are for those who love super lovey dovey short stories that aren't more than about 5 pages or so and they do have some contents that are for those who are above 18 only

this is not some hentai or inappropriate stories, but just loving couples that intimate times show more of their feelings for each other. in any case i hope whoever checks it likes it ^^

so my links again are:

http://a-bitter-sweet-love-nightrose.blogspot.com

http://sweetloveroni.blogspot.com

Have a good day or night everyone !!~

12th of May

It's now exactly 2 minutes after the start of the new day :))
it has been such a long time since i wrote here, but i wasn't at all in a good mood for the last couple of months, and my internet connection wasn't helping either =/
well in any case today has been a kind of nice day; i did my very first real cooking alone without any help, (well actually my cousin helped with one thing, but just coz i was so slow XD) ehem anyway >_> so like i said it was really the very first time in my life to do the whole process of cooking without screaming for help from my mum coz i almost burned down the apartment XDD (yeah it was that bad >_>) soooo well i made beftek (don know if many would know what that is but its a kind of fried meat) also pasta, potatoes and some lasagna oh also i made the salad *~* (yeah i know its not worth mentioning but believe it or not my salad has a very nice taste)
my aunt and her three daughters are staying over so they ofc ate from that food, well actually the food i made was almost finished b4 i even reached the table XD i was very worried about how the food will taste and all but they loved it and ate all of it thankfully (i didn get to eat that much thou coz they ate ma share too ;_; ) i was really very delighted with the thought of the enjoyment they felt as they ate my food ^-^
actually two of my on line friends were all makin fun of me and teasing me, saying am gonna poison ma family or destroy the world with my food XD so i really wanted to take some pics, but yeah as i just mentioned some words b4 i barely found food
i also spent some nice girly girly time with the eldest of my cousins who stayed. shes about 6 years younger than me, yet we r so close to each other, her two sisters are 16 and almost 10
they r my most precious cousins from mum's side. they r very cute, very sweet and very childish XD but i really love them so much
we discussed today what i should do for the pre-wedding night. as am an egyptian here we have smth called henna night, i think its in some other countries too but not all. well am gonna do an indian style celebration, gonna wear the sari and all and gonna practice special dancing for this :)
anywayyyyyy am so tired so am gonna sleep for now. night night bubye meee~